Rain spatters the window pane and runs in rivulets down the glass obscuring my view outside. Inside my home is warm and cosy but rain is spattering down my cheeks, and inside my body water is running in rivulets across my soul.

These tears do not have a name, like the hens on the small holding I’m living on. It’s harder to get a handle on nameless emotions. This is the second wave.

The first wave came helpfully with the label ‘shame’ – the most challenging of all emotions. Like the rubbish we don’t want to see, wrapped up in black bin liners, this shame also came undercover masquerading as fear shaking in my belly.

When I closed my eyes I saw dense cords attaching me to my mother. The dry skin on the back of my neck is an echo of her psoriasis, and the shame festers in there. It’s not even mine. (A new insight into hereditary conditions). I visualise cutting the cords, releasing the shame and transforming it into love, while I’m curled up on my sofa clutching Teddy telling my weeping little girl she’s doing just fine.

With a sigh, I felt a let go in my womb and space opening up in my diaphragm.

Now the rain has stopped and the sun is out, warming my arm next to the window. A melancholy dance is happening in my belly, more grief is gathering and staggering drunkenly around the premises ending up in my heart.

Suddenly I’m in my wellies, with my raincoat on splashing through puddles on my way to the beach. A wild sea meets me loudly, thundering to the shore, seething through a cacophony of pebbles, and stealing the beach. Again. I bow to Her majesty as I step gingerly across slippery clicking pebbles as the waves retreat.

 

 

 

It still there, this unsettledness in my heart, emotions are swirling around like the milky sea in the shallows. I stop and stare out to the undulating horizon and hug myself.

Tears come with words this time: “It’s all dissolving, the world is disintegrating. How can I live with all the uncertainty?”

Helpfully, a label of sorts.

I don’t watch the news but people tell me about coming food shortages  and digital passports and the need to cleanse our energy fields from vaccination shedding. My world, our beloved earth is changing so rapidly.

I ask how to be with this, while weeping into the raging sea and standing on the shifting sands. Waves smash against the pier splashing effervescent white fireworks into the air against a shimmering blue and grey backdrop.

 

Communing with the sea has always been the answer since I started my pilgrimage in 2019. And don’t isolate, share with friends, be in community.

I inhale a deep salty breath. I know I am blessed to be here, I know I am taken care of. Divine love permeates everything: the hide and seek sunshine, the salty briney sea spray, the eternal rolling waves.

Home bound I crunch across wet sand smiling. It’s not just that I know I am not alone: the sea, these flowers, this field with bolting rocket and olive trees are in me. Existence is flowing through me and we are one. I realise again that I love my life, and joys surges through me like waves in the ocean.