No one teaches us at school how to handle emotions or spiritual awakening. They don’t teach us what to expect and how to navigate to these new shores. But now more than ever, are these skills crucial as we are all going through massive outer and inner transformation.

It’s taken me days of silent sitting and meditation to get a handle on the unconscious anxiety burbling around my system. Even though in my unconventional life and living situation there is plenty to get anxious about, by now I trust completely that the basic things will be taken care of.

This isn’t fear related to external circumstances. It’s anxiety related to my inner world in massive transformation, specifically the dissolution and dismantling of the ego – my personality, ideas and memories I have about myself, that tell me I am me, and I am separate and individuated from the rest of the world. Try as I might to pin on a certain identity, everything keeps sliding off since this process started in February on the spiritual retreat.

In the subsequent days, I’m still me I suppose, I still have a mind and a witness. But my brain is definitely in a different zone. Now oneness is here when I’m not in my mind. I’m feeling joy and a sense of wellbeing and peace for no obvious reason. I’m happier and laugh more often and I’m more connected to the wildlife: a mouse living in the kitchen is my friend, the many busy ants trailing from the windowsill across the kitchen counter, act as one organism; my heart opens when I see the scared kittens, and I felt such compassion for the baby bat who I met on the courtyard floor.

Even though Swan and other teachers said there is no finish line or final destination called awakening or enlightenment, when you can say, “Okay I’m enlightened now, job done,” and put your feet up on the table and relax, I still expected there would be a threshold of some kind that I would cross over, but it seems to be a process I have to revisit.

Originally published in Facebook July 2020