Photography: themindsjournal.com
Do you put other people’s needs before your own?
Do you rely on others opinions to tell you what to think or do?
Does looking after other people make you feel worthwhile?
Do you sometimes resent your caretaking?
Were you brought up by addictive parents.
Did you have over critical parents and could never met their standards?
If you answered yes to one or more of the above it could be that you are experiencing what is known as co-dependency.
Co-dependency means fulfilling someone else’s perceived needs to the exclusion of our own needs, and often resenting it if you aren’t praised for your help. One person is the caregiver who enables their partner to continue their addictive behaviour e.g., alcoholism, drug taking, workaholism. It usually stems from childhood and being brought up in a family where one of both parents are critical, alcoholic or have other addictive behaviour.
One of my teachers said the co stands for collusive. Which means that collusive-dependent people enable, support and reinforce the behaviour e.g in a couple where the one who is receiving enjoys being taken care even though s/he knows it is taking advantage of the other’s co-dependency illness. It’s also possible that both members of a partnership are co-dependent and look after other family members or other people to the exclusion of their own needs, to the point of exhaustion and burn out. And they collude in reinforcing each other’s illness.
“Co-dependency is a focus on other people’s problems, feelings, needs, and wants while minimising or ignoring your own. Co-dependents see other people as more important than themselves and prioritize taking care of them in order to feel needed, loved, or worthwhile (usually subconsciously). While we all need and rely on other people sometimes, co-dependents are overly dependent on others emotionally. They need others to tell them that their feelings and needs are valid, that their opinions are acceptable, and that they are good enough. They rely on others for their identity and sense of worth”. Psychology Today.
The good news is that co-dependency can be healed by learning new ways of thinking about yourself and new behaviours.
Recovery from co-dependency includes:
- Mastering self love (e.g. using reparenting and the Metta Prayer).
- Learn to accept yourself as you are, be kind and compassionate to yourself (e.g. let your body rest when it needs, eat when you are hungry).
- Heal negative self-talk, self-criticism, the inner critic and learn to speak kindly to yourself like a loving nurturing parent.
- Forgive yourself. Accept and support yourself as you would a dear friend.
5. Rebuilding trust in your own intuition and decision-making ability without feeling overwhelmed. Learning that your own feelings and opinions are valid. The more you follow your own guidance the stronger it becomes.
6. Asking for our needs to be met. It can take some time to identify what you actually need and even longer to ask for it to be met. But this is an essential step in the healing process.
7. Realise that you are a divine being and take responsibility for your life. Let go of the victim, martyr or rescuer identity. Learn to communicate assertively, and assert clear boundaries to protect yourself from burning out.
8. Heal low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness by finding out what makes you feel good about yourself and doing it often. Make time to do the things you often told yourself you didn’t have time to do.
9. Heal limiting beliefs around not being good enough and not being worthy.
10. Get to know yourself (again). If you have lost touch with yourself by fulfilling the needs or others, you may need to intentionally explore who you are—what you like, what’s important to you, what goals are, what you value.
11. Create healthy balanced relationships by giving and receiving equally.
It may be simple to read and intellectually understand all these steps but it takes time, consistency and usually working with a therapist to change the ingrained behaviour and unconscious thought patterns that have created this unhelpful identity. With dedication it is possible to change into a healthier, happier and life affirming version of yourself. Within relationships, both partners need to be committed to both change at the same time to create a healthy balanced relationship.
If you wish, book a free initial consultation chat with me to discuss how I could help you, by emailing cliona@wilddivinelight.com.
Further Reading:
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love by Pia Mellody
© Cliona O’Conaill
www.wilddivinelight.com